The only one people recognize...

movie non-review
by Lon Lopez

So last week, I jumped on the bandwagon and watched the inevitable hit summer movie Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.  Normally I’d review a movie for the site, but this movie is pretty much critic proof and it’d be pointless to add to that noise.  I will just say that I liked it better than the first one and that all I wanted out of that movie was tons of robot on robot carnage and a good time.  I got both.  What I wanted to talk about more though was the overall experience I had in the theatre sitting with fellow Moron Lifer Paul Fernandez and a bunch of our friends and some of the things we laughed at, noticed and/or just enjoyed.  So get ready for some blatant racism, sexism, ego stroking and so much more as we discover how the Transformers experience was more than meets the eye!

Before the movie even starts, we’re treated to a preview of an upcoming disaster movie called 2012.  It’s directed by the guy who did Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, Roland Emmerich.  It’s got some ridiculous special effects that look great and fun, but of course, it’s another disaster movie and at this point it just feels like a cliché, what with having lived through, the above mentioned movies as well as Michael Bay’s Armageddon and that other asteroid movie Deep Impact.  The trailer was moving along fine, until there was a shot of the President on the Television and from what we could gather, it looked like he was being played by Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon, Predator 2). 

It was at this point that I lean over to Paul and whisper…

“How come all the disaster/end of the world movies always have a black president?”

In all fairness, the only other one I could think of was Deep Impact where Morgan Freeman was the president.

We kind of had a laugh about it because we almost interpreted it as though the film makers were implying that, Oh great, we have a black president and LOOK what happens… the whole freaking planet goes to hell.  What exactly is the message here Hollywood?

Later on in Transformers, when the shit starts to hit the fan and the world is under attack, there’s an actual line where someone in a military base says, “We better tell President Obama about the situation” or something to that effect.

It was at this point I turned to Paul and went, “See?”

Speaking of racism that night, if you haven’t heard, much ado has been made about two characters in the film comically referred to as The Twins.  The Twins, or separately known as Mudflap and Skids, are meant to be the comic relief of the film and ordinarily that would be fine, however, these two autobots are animated to the effect that they look like old sambo type stereotypes of Black Americans.  They speak in jive, constantly referring to each other as either “Punk Asses” or “Pussies.”  It might not have been so bad if they just spoke that way, but the producers of the film animated one of them to have big ears and buck teeth (one of the teeth was even gold).  The other was animated to have big lips and a wide nose.  So not only do they speak stereotypically “black” they are animated that way.  BUT… The absolute worst part, they make a point to point out that neither of these characters can read. 

Racist? You tell me.

Absolutely shocking. (Informal thanks to the guys at www.chud.com for being the first with this)

Hey Mike, you know I can act right?

So this got us asking the question, what do we have to look forward to in Transformers 3: Not Done Offending?  A new Autobot named Ching Chang with thick glasses and buck teeth who transforms into a car that doesn’t drive very well and solves all the math equations?

Hey Michael Bay… I watched the Transformers cartoon as a kid and the only racially different autobot was Jazz and he was voiced by Scatman Caruthers which made him instantly cool.  But it was mostly because he looked like all the other Transformers did: like Japanese Robot Men.  Once you start giving robots big lips, buck teeth and dreadlocks, you’re crossing a line that didn’t need to be crossed.  You’re a terrible human being.

With that being said…

Thank you Michael Bay for giving us lots of great shots of hot chicks.  Megan Fox looks stunning as usual and the other hotty you got wasn’t half bad either.  Thanks too for all those gratuitous slow motion shots of Ms. Fox running away from danger.  Half the time I was staring at her chest and thinking of that Dave Chappelle bit where he’s hoping for the girl’s boob to pop out.  That’s right, when Shia and Megan were running from imminent death, I was thinking… “C’mon Tittie!”

Cmon Tittie!!!

Another thing that gave us a laugh was the amount of Michael Bay military B-Roll was in this movie.  Any time the military had to organize you could almost hear the editor going, “Okay, cue the military B-Roll.  I need a squadron of Jets to fly in formation and turn off one after another.  Check.  Okay, I need Jets on an aircraft carrier and the guy with the signals to wave them off. Check.  Okay, I need Humvees to drive really fast in a straight line…etc.”

With his military clearance, I totally wanna party with Michael Bay, but seriously dude, we get it… you can film some serious gear.  Got it.

One of the big things I came looking for in this film was some serious action and robot carnage and this film totally delivered.  Everything was bigger and better than the first film but at one point, I leaned over to Paul and went, “Wait… was that robot a good guy or a bad guy?”

So I got to thinking, if you’re going to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on making realistic looking robots could you at least make them distinguishable to the general viewing audience?  At one point, I just gave up and just started cheering when ANY robot got blown up good.

Oh yeah, why did I need to see Jon Tuturro’s bare ass?  Was that supposed to be funny?  It wasn’t.  Where’s Anthony Anderson when you need him?

Anyways, the movie was giant, mindless fun for our crew and while I won’t go on record saying whether or not it was a good movie, it kept me entertained and smiling for the two and a half hours I was there.

It aint Shakespeare

For the fun I had that night in the theatre, I must applaud Paul and our group of friends who sat there and laughed whenever we cut an inappropriate joke or remark.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was a good time at the movies.  At least for this moron.